My YOUNGER brother sent these to me when I asked him to do a “guest post” for my blog. I told him I hadn’t had a good laugh in almost a year. I’m still waiting for the humor he promised, but these confessions might do for now — [hand covering mouth to hide the chuckles]
~Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
~If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of just old.
~I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
~I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
~I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
~Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce… and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
~I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
~I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
~Senility has been a smooth transition for me. Wot?
~Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
~I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…. I forgot where I was going with this.
~I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day. Well, not new just things I used to know but forgot 5 years ago.
~A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
~I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
~Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
~Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
~It’s weird being the same age as old people.
~When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
~Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
~It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
~Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
~Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…Don’t sing!
~I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
~So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
~I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
~You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
~We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
~A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One day he read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?” 🤣 But it’s strange I never thought of that question. 😯
So keep smiling, it makes people wonder what ya’ been up to. And Solomon says smiling translates through people’s eyes into thinking we are more attractive than we deserve.
The Bible records that Jesus wept…but I’m pretty sure he laughed more often.
So, you know that bird that so often perches on your balcony railing and looks in your window? That’s really a messenger from Jesus telling you “I AM still with you.”